It's snowing here today. And the kids don't have school so I am just wandering around the house in my jammies dusting and clearing up all the crap that appears over the week. I think I am finally going to throw out the torso sized flower arrangement my friend Audrey sent me back in November, but I am definitely keeping the card it came with. It says, "To Dana Thank You So Much You Are An Angel I Am So Sorry love Audrey." She sent it to me the day after she dragged me to a gay wedding, where her crazy Dominican boss made us tend bar because the bartender didn't show. And then she propositioned me.
Audrey called me up in October and said, "Hey, I'm going to this gay wedding and Tom won't go with me, so will you be my date?"
I said, "I didn't know we knew any gay people who were getting married and... hey. Is there even gay marriage in Ohio?"
She went on to explain that her boss, Suzette, was hosting a wedding of two of her customers she had fixed up. Some guy named Raphael, who is gay, and Martina, a straight au pair who lives in Medina.
"How exactly is that a gay wedding?" I asked, all my dreams of a fab Elton John inspired blowout evaporating.
"Well, Martina is going to get deported because her visa expired, so she told Suzette that she'd pay anyone ten grand to marry her so she could stay. Raphael said giddy-up. I think he's doing it for the money and to protest that gays can't marry everywhere. I don't know, who cares? It'll be awesome!"
"Well, obviously, YES I'm going. But I am so embarassed, because until my back heals I can't wear heels and I don't want to show up under dressed at a gay wedding."
"Just shut up. It's fine. You don't know any of these people except me and Suzette."
Suzette is Audrey's psycho Dominican boss at the spa she works at. How she stays in business, I don't know because she is guaranteed to insult you within 2 minutes of meeting her and she swears like a trucker. The first time I met Suzette, she wrapped her arms around me like she was going to hug me, but instead grabbed the nape of my neck and started tugging on my hair.
"Goddamn, this is the best weave I have ever seen!"
Startled, I said, "No, it's my hair. Get off me!"
So, Suzette says, "Fuck you. It's a weave. I'm not a lesbian, but if I ever change my mind, I'm coming to find you." And she talks to everyone like this. She followed that up with a warning.
"Listen, bitch, I am from Dominica. I am not some (insert Spanish swear word) Puerto Rican. If you ever call me a Puerto Rican, I will come at you like fucking Carl Lewis and mother fuck you up and down." She scares the crap out of me, but she's hysterical when it's directed at others, which is why I keep going back.
So the day of the wedding comes, and my back ( I have 2 herniated discs) is a hot mess, so I call Audrey and tell her I don't think I can make it. She tells me she's having a lupus flare and probably won't go either. Later that afternoon I get this phone call.
"Listen, you are going to this wedding with me. Suzette just sent me home from work and told me to get my shit together because if I don't go to the wedding she'll fire me. And I am not going alone. So put on a black dress and some flats and be ready at 7pm."
So there's me and Audrey, walking in to a swanky lakeside reception hall. Audrey is all blotchy and twitchy with lupus and I am hunched and shuffling like Quasimodo. We look amazing.
The room was filled with either gorgeous gay men, or vaguely bewildered looking families. We were the only white chicks in the room, and everyone was staring at us and murmuring in Spanish, probably because we looked so hot.
We had barely sat down, when Suzette stomped over and said, "What the fuck are you doing sitting there? Come on!" We gave each other blank looks and did as we were told, which is pretty much all you can do when Suzette barks at you. She's bigger than us.
She dragged us back to the kitchen area, and said "Listen, the bartender didn't show. And neither of you two fucks are family. You two better get your little white asses behind the bar and get going. I want a drink in all these people before the wedding." Then she stormed off.
Audrey started making high pitched noises and rooting around the kitchen, all the while apologizing and begging me not to go. The bartender was supposed to stock the bar when he showed up, so there wasn't much to work with. We found the following to serve at the bar :
1 bottle white wine
1 bottle red wine
2 apples, withered
3/4 bottle of flat Sprite
1 bottle cherry vodka (WTF?)
1-12 pack of Bud Lite
Audrey grabbed some bowls and started chopping up the apples, saying "Sangria! Dominicans love sangria!Let's just mix all this shit up and serve it to them!" We decided to keep the Bud for ourselves.
4 Beers later, Audrey and I are drunk, hunchbacked and lupus-y behind the bar, while lines of happy guests keep lining up for what we called "the brides special." I cannot tell you how disgusting wine, apples, Sprite and cherry vodka smells, let alone tastes. But they kept coming back for more.
Suzette came over after an hour of this and we gave her a drink. I was worried she'd throw it at us, but she said, "This is good, bitches! Take a smoke break!"
Audrey and I looked at each other, silently agreeing to sprint to her car. As we walked to the door, Suzette caught up to us.
"Come here, you are good little white girls, you make Suzette very happy." In a drunken fog, I saw her hug Audrey. Then she gave me a hug. I could see the door over her shoulder and all I wanted was to be on the other side of it. Before she let me go, she eyed my bosoms and said, " Princess, you remember what I said. You think about it." Then she walked away, throwing me a sultry glance over her shoulder.
So, no, I don't really remember much about the wedding itself. I vaguely remember a really well manicured groom, and a very hairy bride in a Good Will dress. And a mystified justice of the peace. I think I am going to avoid the spa for a while.
~dana
